Jesus was an asshole—and so are you

Factual truth-facts right here

Are you ready for them?

Imma hit you so hard with these truths you’re gonna be tempted to call me “becky with the hard truths”

    –Some guy comes to your potluck, insists on feeding everyone himself? Single handedly? With FISH? What a shit-fuck of a guest. Rude.
    –Has someone the whole town calls whore wash his feet. I know that back in the day, this is somehow benevolent and wonderful of him. THEY CALL HER WHORE, AND MAKE HER WASH HIS FEET.
    –Puts his hands all over some sick guy until the guy gets up, runs around and brags about it to everyone. Calls it “healing”
    –Died for my sins. I ain’t never ask nobody for that. Still sinning over here anyway, fucking loser asshole.
    –Convinced generations of people to convince generations of people who eventually let word out to my parents that homosexuality is a sin that lands you deep, deep in hell.

There are loads more reasons, would love to roast the whole bible sometime.

The last point is the one I’m most pissed about, clearly. Why, Jesus?

Why be the reason so many people judge, patronize, belittle, murder and rape each other?!

If I was Jesus, I would be frustrated. I’d be frustrated that people are abusing my name and my teachings so much. I’d also be super fucking pissed at the sheer quantity of words being put into my mouth.

If you’re using Jesus’s name to shit on other people, you are turning Jesus into a huge asshole.

AFTER he died. Isn’t that extra offensive?

All y’all Jesus freaks need to quit it. Take your fingers out of your ears, stop singing hymns when people talk about science. You are all assholes.

Right, we’re all sinners and children of god. ‘Cept for you, right, preachy bastard?

And if you are his disciple, listen here. He would never want you disown your own family, belittle your own kids, beat your wife, or make enough money to build a single one of these megachurch monstrosities. He also MIGHT hate it when you rape little kids. He probably hates all of that. He would never want you to use his name in defense of any of your garbage bullshit.

  • Almost forgot, Jesus is the kind of bastard that always wears sandals. I don’t want to get too into it, but let’s just point out that crocs are sandals.

I’m getting distracted. No matter what your opinions on Jesus, religion, history what have you, one thing is clear–

Most of y’all religious types are just trying to do the right thing, but when you’re obsessed with doing “the right thing”, being “a good Christian”, more often than not you’re just looking for ways to belong.

What’s wrong with belonging? Nothing! But it kinda makes life awful for those of us in between, or those of us that understand belonging differently.

It turns all non-Christians into “other”. Other is exotic, interesting. A fun, sometimes thing. What do we do when the otherness is permanent? What about those who don’t want to live like brain-dead megachurch-attending donut-eating chick-fila monsters? Belonging vs. conformity, where is the distinction?

I do not conform, naturally. It is unfortunately just kind of how I am. I look different, I act different, I think differently, and I just plain am different. I’m not trying to be anything, I’m not trying to break a “mold”, of any sort. I am allergic to mold, but I’ve never consciously broken any molds to my knowledge. How could I break a mold that I never tried to get into?

Oh right, I broke it when y’all tried to force me into it. Who’s fault is that? It’s your mold, jerks. I ain’t never ask for no mold.

Churches love going on missions to exotic places to save non-Christians. Nobody ever asked them to be so nice. Oh wait, Flint Michigan asked. There are a lot of places locally that need help, wherever you are in the states.

If nobody asked you to be nice, then fucking leave them alone. If your own country, your own community need obviously need help–don’t make them have to ask. It’s tricky, not being an asshole. A worthy, lifelong quest.

Be nice to people in your community. Worry about saving poor ethnic “others” when you’ve learned compassion for your immediate community, not just the communities that make the most riveting fundraisers/brochures.

That means the gay ones, too.


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