–by Becky WTGH
I’m free now!
It’s been so long, since I last thought about you.
Right now, I’m choosing to. I’m not used to
being able to choose.
I’m choosing to, so that I can acknowledge
I thought it would never come,
I thought I would be doomed to think of you
to hear your name, to see you around in town
I thought I would never be the same.
I thought that you had broken me completely,
I wondered why I hadn’t died.
I knew for certain I would have a heart attack,
or that I already had. But,
I didn’t. I took a fuck ton of fish oil for years
when we were together. I had a lot of
bruises, but I guess it also made sure
that I didn’t die, when you broke me open.
I spent so much time wishing for death,
that now I feel, born again.
My freedom is something I didn’t expect
It is newfound, and I dare say
I have developed a sense of self-respect.
For a while, this newfound neurotic “self-respect”
worked against me.
It fucked me the way that you used to fuck me.
I am free now, however, and life is much more
masturbatory. I write poems and I make myself
laugh, cry, joy, sorrow and love. I don’t need you
to help me feel what I am,
to help me know that I am enough.
I wondered if we would be friends,
forever. You decided not to be, and for a while
I thought you might regret it.
Now, we are so much better off, with our own
amitions, new traditions. I love knowing
that everything I do would’ve embarrassed you.
Remember? How I used to do that
Everyday, everyway, in public, in private
It never mattered how many others were present.
It could be just us, and I was still
My mother knew the same name, so I never
noticed that something was up.
I am free now,
and I am never embarrassed.
I am always laughing, always free.
Sometimes I cry, when I remember
how much of myself I wasted, but
I never regret meeting someone who showed me
All the things love shouldn’t be.