Time to/till Transition

How do you know when it’s time to transition?

I’ve heard people say all the things people say:

Wait a year

You won’t know until you start

You’ll only get to 90% and you can’t get the other 10% until you start

You might never feel confidently fully transitioned

None of it helps, most of it helps more than nothing.

All of it hurts. Waiting is misery and taking the leap is insane.

My appointment with a trans friendly endo is in a month.

I have a month to figure out if I’m ready for this leap.

I have known something was off since I was a kid. I have been living and presenting as male my whole life.

What’s holding me back? A few things.

I love women, I feel privileged to be one. I feel like estrogen helps you live longer and calmer. I like being something that people desire.

That being said,

I don’t identify with any of it. I’m completely disassociated from all of it. The good, the bad, the ugly. None of it matters. It’s like looking at someone else’s body, without a mirror. Just sitting here, typing with someone else’s fingers. Writing on someone else’s blog. Staring at someone else’s swollen ankles.

When people insult me or berate me or tell me I’m fat and to go kill myself, I usually just laugh. Sometimes later I get upset, but what pisses me off the most is when people treat me like a woman. That is my biggest clue to my gender identity, right now.

I only know who I’m not. I’m very hard to deal with right now. I am one of my least favorite versions of myself that I have met so far.

I feel like I’m on a journey but I’m so scared of the destination that I keep blindfolding myself and spinning myself in circles until I puke. I’ve been throwing up every morning. I think I have a tumor that’s mean. This is another reason I don’t want to transition. I have enough shit to deal with with this strange bitch’s body.

I don’t really know who I am, I have been disconnected from this flesh suit for as long as I’ve been cognizant. I am a blue ball of consciousness and I am buoyant and full of love.

I wonder if transitioning will help? I am terrified it won’t. I am terrified it is only going to make things worse. Only going to make people more hateful. Only going to isolate me further. Only going to further limit my career choices, my friendships and relationships. Only going to make my family hate me more than they already do.

I am already other. I am not ready to be transgender other. I am anyway. I live it anyway. People call me sir anyway. I have sex as a man anyway. I am a man anyway.

Hormones are very scary to me. I don’t want to turn into someone I don’t like, and I don’t want to start something I can’t finish.

I hate starting things and not finishing them. I am obsessively persistent.

I know that I won’t be satisfied with the results. I know that I will always feel like some stupid dumb fat bitch inside. I don’t want to disappoint myself in a grandiose manner, more than I already have.

I am already so reckless and bold.

Don’t you think this would be easy?

Doesn’t this make the most sense?

Won’t people finally see me for me,

Stop double-taking, show me some respect?

I am afraid of things I can not control

Most of all, myself.

I know that I am not alone,

There are countless others on this path.

I just wish it wasn’t thrust on me

I’ve done my best to make it work, as is

I love myself, I am a pretty dope chick.

That’s just it tho, it’s someone else

I’m drifting out at sea

I’ve never even seen

Me, who is that? Is she a he?

I doubt it, what a little bitch

A coward, a menace,

A depressed little shit.

I have a month left, until we get to see

What I’m made of

Who he is, and who he’ll be.

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