Imprisoned

Sometimes

I think about everything

Simultaneously

And it crushes me.

Bullies me into

Crying, feeling

Desperate and lonely and

Repugnant.

If only I could think about

Something other than

My regrets, failures,

Betrayals and

Humiliations.

I know that death

Is not the answer

But this feels identical

I am being devoured

By my own intuition

Blinded by my own

Tears, running dry and

Pasty making my mouth taste

Pastier. Why do I feel like an

Infant and why does that make me feel

Even worse?

Why can’t I just escape from this prison

This place I’ve lived in

Since I knew I was different

I am imprisoned by my own

Self-hatred

Wanting to die but

Loving myself just enough,

Curiosity exploding despite all odds

A lust for lust and a

Passion for passions.

I deserve to be free

But I find myself laughing

And mocking and destroying

Every hope, every ambition

The way my sister would say it

Sneering pain, jealousy and

Insecurity soaking her voice.

I should know by now that I’m not

Full of self-hatred,

I’ve been pumped full

By others who’s poison

Was overstocked as well

Is it their fault they

needed to share?

My cousin joined the army

And got kicked out

For drugs.

We don’t know if he started

When he got there

Or before he left

Does it matter?

How he is on a different path

One that needs

A lot of assistance

No one is willing to give him

Not unlike

Anyone else’s problems

We are all in our own prisons

Should we be mad

For not getting help

With the digging?

Or should we be mad

At the system

Of imprisoning.

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