Persistence

My therapist says I’m

Persistent

She insists it is a good thing.

“All it has ever done

Is get me into trouble”

I tried explaining

She rebounded

Pointing out obvious good things

That are the result of my persistence

Like:

My lack of quitting.

But you see, there are other things

Things like bad relationships,

Extreme diets,

Extreme self-discipline

Extreme self-hatred

That are also persistent in my life

The thing that makes me

So good, is the same thing

That kills me inside–

Eats me alive.

“I wish I could quit you”

Persistence, jesus H christ.

It also makes me struggle

With finding people like myself

I don’t know many

Most people know when

To give things a rest

I never do

I never will

I broke my back pushing my limits

Persisting to prove myself

As something non-woman

I drove my whole life

Right off a fucking cliff

To prove a point

To myself, I guess.

My persistence rules my every

Decision.

Nothing can be stopped, nothing can be

Quit. I am only as good as

My persistence.

If I don’t follow through

I am nothing but a fool,

A quitter

A forgettable loser.

I can’t ever stop until I

Got what I came for.

This is part of what makes me think

I’m not just some bitch

It’s most of what makes me

So scared of all of it

Who is this guy, really?

What does he want from me?

He is crawling out of my skin

Taking over my brain,

Persistently.

 

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