Terrible Massage

I don’t like to

Rate and review

But I had a massage today

Out of the blue.

I received it as a gift,

As one often does

With massages.

The massage I received

Was terrible.

Tremendously uncomfortable

Made me feel a lot worse

Than when I started.

I wish I had stayed home

And put a couple fingers up my butt

Instead of all that heartache

First off–

The guy was covering up my armpit hair

With like

10 pounds of blankets

He heavily sighed when he

Rubbed lotion on my hairy legs

I love all my hair

It’s tinted red

I fucking love having lots of hair

I’m desperately hoping

To grow lots more

I was fucking roasting under that bed

So hot, I started to peel

A single blanket off of my chest

He flipped a shit


“Whoa buddy? What are you doing?”

I was like

“It’s fucking hot under here”

Then he put

A single washcloth

Over my tits

I guess

To give them

“Extra coverage”

There was already a blanket

Over top of me!!!!

What more coverage

Could anyone need?!?!?!

I’m a bit insulted,


My tits are like

Small, asymmetrical

Triangular but overall

Very satisfactory.

Most all people like to pleasure

My tits, when they’re with me

This guy was obviously


To make matters worse

He was fucking awful at massage

He rubbed my fucking neck

Not like

The way you’re thinking

The other fucking way

The weirdest possible way

He found my fucking Adam’s apple

I’m afab, y’all

I don’t have one.

Why the fuck was he

Trying to strangle me?!

Worst massage ever

Now that I think about it

I think it might’ve actually been

Attempt of murder

He bent my neck sideways

And pressed hard on my windpipe

With his thumb

I asked him to lighten up

and he said

“Your nerves are being


I was thinking–


I had back surgery

and that shit fucking hurts

But instead

What came out was

“Oh. Okay then”

And then I was just


For the whole rest of the bit


Wtf man,

I asked you to do my hips

and you never once touched them

He legit

Pushed me with his finger tips

Over top of the blankets

Until it hurt too much

and I asked him to stop


Wtf tho

This was supposed to be a gift

and now I’m feeling punished, a bit

Mostly just

Jesus Christ what the hell

I wish I didn’t feel

Like a gross fat bitch

When I should be

Experiencing some relief

From my constant hell

I just kind wish

I was a human

At least,

When somebody is paying you

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