Control My Thoughts

I’m sorry

I have to get something off my chest

It’s been raining all day

Every part of my body aches and moans

The fluids in me are churning

My humours blending

Black, yellow

Blood and phlegm

My systems disordered,

A suicide mix of them all

I have to get something

Off

Of my chest

OFF OF IT

I HAVE TO GET SOMETHING

OUT OF MY HEAD

I HAVE TO GET SOMEONE

OUT OF MY HEAD

HELP ME

 

Someone?

 

How do you get someone out of your head that doesn’t belong?

Can you scoop them out, like my mole?

Can you replace them with someone else?

Can you occupy your time constantly with other things?

Can you sign up for a ninja training program where you get brainwashed with someone else’s life, personality and skills, like in the show “Dollhouse” by Joss Whedon?

I need to do this

I need to think about

The things I want to think about

I have many things I need to think about, can I please think about those things?

I thought to myself–

If I write enough, I will exercise these demons and I will feel better!

I will write how I feel and I will read it and I will evolve and grow and reflect

The world will tremble beneath my well-adjusted fingers

People will say things like

“I don’t know him but I like him, how do I be more like that guy?”

Cuz I’d be so well-mellowed and adjusted and exorcised and my demons would NOT be calling the shots like they are now.

My demons are calling the shots whenever it rains.

They have complete jurisdiction and total power over everything the moment the pressure drops.

I’ve tried the following things:

Exercise

Diet

Sleep

Swimming

Walking

Running

Painting

Music

Drawing

Poetry

Songwriting

Gardening

Working

New part time job

Regular normal career that absorbs most of life

Got another cat

Learned how to cook even more

Repainted my whole house

Repainted my lawn chairs

Made brownies

Learned all of my partner’s favorite foods

Learned all of my partner’s family’s favorite foods

Bought my mom a mother’s day card (right!?!?)

Watched She-Ra twice

Watched Queer Eye again

Watched ru Paul

A lot

Rewatched it

Stared at Akeria’s ass

Tried a new park

Went to favorite park again

Watched the seasons change

Again

It’s been a year now

And all I can think about

Is whether or not

My heart is still broken

Or if I actually just had

A fucking heart attack

Maybe I’m just

An artist, or maybe

I’m just an asshole

No matter what,

I can’t stop thinking

About everything

I don’t want to think about

I just wish I could go back

To when I had

At least some control

Over my thoughts

I wish I could go back

To when I didn’t think

I was a complete failure

I wish I could go back

To what it felt like

To have hope in my heart

Or maybe

I just wish

It was tomorrow

And I’m sleepy

 


Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: