Mean Girls

I used to think

I hated myself

But the further I stray

From female

The better I feel.

I am still me,

Maybe even more so than before

So the only thing that’s making me

Feel better

Is hormonally transitioning

From female to male

I wonder now

If what I felt

Was just misogyny

From all the years

Of being abused by my

Mother and sister

And by all the other

Mean girls who’ve

Tortured me along the way.

I love women sexually

So it’s been hard for me to see

The extent of my internalized


I wonder if it will go away

Or if I will just

Start to heal

The farther I find myself

From these women and their

Manipulative ways.

I almost feel

Used, the extent to which

I forgive women for their sins

Against me and against


Women are cruel to each other

In ways that men cannot

Creatively imagine or foresee

So why would I be scared of men?

The ones that are predictable

Cruel, selfish and

Bizarrely carefree.

I’m much more afraid of women–

Especially the one that

Lives in me

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