Passing/Soapbox/Scream Until My Lungs Bleed Out

I started this podcast and blog

Thinking that I was going to write about

Queer things and lesbo shit

Talk about g spots and anal and like

Lube and stuff.

I did really realize when I started

That I was a man

I didn’t really care?

I still don’t.

I thought I was going to discover something

New, maybe even

Bold or

Brave or

Something great

Instead, all I’ve come to know

Is that people

Are exactly the same as they were

In preschool

Their base instincts

Are less than ideal.

All anyone, will ever care about

Is that I am fat

So like

Maybe, out of respect

To all the other kids

Who hit 300lbs before they had

Any say in

What they ate

Or whether or not they were

Allowed to play outside–

I ought to change course!

Maybe I oughta be

One of those “fat lady writers”

Who are always trying

To convince people of how

Truly horrible the world is

To fat people.

I would have joined them

Much sooner than now

However, I have been

Too busy trying to live my life

As if people don’t think

I am a less-than human

Just because of my size.

I’ve also been too busy

Tirelessly and arduously

Trying to lose weight

My whole life, since before

I knew what my phone number was

I knew that I was on a diet.

I wonder when I will be

Good enough to be a

Person in public

Without ridicule

I wonder when I will be

Good enough of a person

To go to work without

Being ridiculed

Or go to the

Doctor without being

Ridiculed.

I kinda wish,

Honestly

That I could even

Start an anonymous online

Podcast and blog

Without having to talk

About my weight–

But alas

This is the most important thing about me

It is my truth

It is my shame

I eat around

1000 calories a day, and consistently

Maintain or gain weight.

My metabolism does not work

The same way that

A healthy cisgender man’s does

I hope to someday

Pass as male

I hope to someday

Pass as human

I hope to someday

Pass as something

Other than fat, and

In your way

I know that these dreams are

Fickle, and I know that

Fantasy is no way

To live your life

But I have a dream

I have a fantasy

When I close my eyes,

My weight is not all of me, but

A single part of my health history

That has nothing to do

With strangers on the street

Heckling, berating

“Educating” me

There is nowhere I can go

Without being

Gawked at, sneered and

Snarled with disgust and contempt.

Contempt, I knew

Before the word.

My life has been met with

Disgust and Contempt

For as long as I’ve been

Around for it

I thought about killing myself

Before puberty, before my

Boobs or period even came in

Because I knew I was different

I knew that others hated me

For what I was and for who I am

I knew that my size was something that

People would never be able to forgive

That there are a handful of

Insightful others who might spare me some

Pity, but otherwise I will be

Abandoned

Stretched out, used, and rotten

A broken chip in me somehow

Stupidity that the world sees, but

Doesn’t witness

A pain that I am meant to feel

Until I am able to become thin

Only then will I have

Let the right ones in

It’s all about the people

You surround yourself with,

Right?

So don’t surround yourself

With queer fat faggy asshole druggie fuckups

I will drain your bank account

And make you sob

Pouring the pain I’ve felt

Bottled up all these years

Through unsuspecting mediums

Never asking for any of this!

I’m literally just

Trying to survive

It’s not my fault

Ya’ll make life so fucking difficult

I have to find a soapbox

And scream until my lungs bleed out

 

 

 

 

 


2 Replies to “Passing/Soapbox/Scream Until My Lungs Bleed Out”

  1. HalfOfAWhole

    Wow! This was a lot. I don’t say that in a way that’s judgmental. Just an observation. I get that this was a rant. Was this prompted by something external or are these things you’ve wanted to get out for a while? I really like reading your work. I haven’t been following long but I love the things I read by you so far. Please keep em coming.

    • Becky WTGH

      It’s a lot of things, I was an obese kid and honestly sometimes it just all piles up onto me at once. I have some really special people in my life, but there are so many foul and indecent experiences with people I couldn’t begin to count. It’s been much better since I moved out of Chicago, but yeah I dunno.

      I found an artist, Haley Morris-Cafiero, who did an installation called “wait watchers” which really struck me to my core. I have been processing a lot of things since. Lots of negative emotions, mixed with a lot of validation and growth.

      I try not to dwell on such bad stuff, but I’ve been holding it all in for forever. Feels better to look at it instead of thinking about it.

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