Diet Soda–Beverage of Choice for Satan: Fizzy Conspiracies by Becky

Oy jesus fuckin’

Nahhhh man

You ever tasted

Cocacola?

The hell kinda flavor

Is that, exactly?

Tamarindo is far superior

Way, way tastier.

Literally any agua fresca

Is superior in every way

More importantly

Are you still reading? Pay attention

Regular soda is bad, too sweet,

Not in my taste but–

Objectively delicious?

Diet soda is like

Literally capitalism in a can.

It is actual garbage

Let me ask you this–

If you had a diet soda

Before you had a regular one

You know, the imitation

Before the real thing

Wouldn’t you think

Diet Soda was some sort of solution?

Some sort of toilet-cleaner?

Some sort of poison?

It is, we know this

Based on observation of what

Sugary sodas do to humans– anyway

Diet soda

Is not really an imitation of soda

It’s an imitation of

Poison, who’s only real purpose

Is to sell drinks to people that either

  1. Want to lose weight
  2. Want people to think they care about their health
  3. Might actually care about their health but have been swindled

But we know

That diet soda

Does none of those things

So like

Why am I always being

Fat-shamed by someone

Holding a diet coke, or a

Sugar-free abomination?

I drank enough sugar-free soda

When I was eleven

To be fully caught up

With a daily drinker by the age of

Forty seven, approximately.

I drank a fuck-ton of soda.

So much so, I developed

Weird diet-soda related health problems

Parents Probably shouldn’t let kids drink like

12-16 cans of diet pepsi a day?

But honestly, that was like

The only “diet” thing my parents would

Willingly feed me.

Anyway, I got like

Severe migraines

And weird other problems

So I quit drinking soda

All-together

When I was about

14. I don’t really eat sweets much since, other than

Fruit and the occasional bit of chocolate.

I eat all types of chocolate, but moderately.

My point is

I kinda think

Soda is evil, a product

To sell you to make you

Dependent on a high

Only they can give you

But “diet” soda offers a different product,

Altogether

They offer superiority in a can

They offer snide sneers and

Fat-phobic jeers

They offer a

“See, I make small choices

Everyday that contribute

To my health and my weight”

But like

No, you stupid fucking asshole

Diet soda is not good for you

It also

TASTES LIKE POISON

YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES

WHY ARE YOU CHOOSING

TO DRINK CHEMICAL GASOLINE

FLAVORED LIKE

THE WORST TAMARINDO YOU’VE

NEVER TASTED BECAUSE

DIET COKE IS SO MUCH FUCKINGWORSE

THAN TAMARINDO EVER COULD BE

What explanation

Could there be

Besides superiority?

“people like drinking things

As an oral fixation, they like bubbles

And they hate drinking plain water”

There are a million and one other choices

Ya’ll are addicted to caffeine and

Poison

Just fucking admit to me

That you’re addicted to poison

The same way smokers are addicted to

Poison, the same way my

Depressed, anxious brain is addicted

To self-loathing

Diet coke is just another way

To bite your nails, or

Pluck your hairs or

Drink your feelings.

———————————————————-

honestly legit I started this post because

I just really wanted to explain

how unbelievably bad it tastes

It tastes so fucking bad

THINK ABOUT IT

SEPARATE FROM THE ORIGINAL

AS A STANDALONE BEVERAGE

IT IS UNBEARABLE

IT SHOULD BE

UNMARKETABLE

PEOPLE SHOULD NOT

WILLINGLY DRINK THIS GARBAGE

But they do–why?

exactly.


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