Constitution

I’ve been reflecting a lot

Lately, more than

I usually do.

I usually spiral

Slipping down peel

After peel after peel

Laughing at my own little

Blooper reel of fuckery

Alas, lately I’ve found

Still waters and I have

Taken a good, long

Look at me.

I am the only reason

I haven’t killed myself yet

I am quite a big fan

Of this person I see

I think that they are

Incredible, sensitive

Caring, full of empathy

Bursting with compassion and

Love for many, many things

Powered by a compulsion

To do great things I thought

Previously impossible

I have overcome a lot of

Intense challenges, many things in life

Have broken me enough

To seriously consider

Not spending time here anymore.

You know, for my mental health

Take a break from this

Fucked-up world

Get some me time

Down in the underworld, but–

I know that

I am needed

Up here, on this level

I am supposed to

Rise above what I’ve been dealt

And prove to

Not others

Not future generations

Not the little kid inside me

But myself, right now–

I want to prove it to myself

That people are good

And people are decent

I want to know

That there is good in the world

So I stay alive

Because I find it in myself

I find more good in myself

Than I’ve found in anything,

Anyone, any place I’ve visited

I’ve found more motivation

To conquer nations

And build civilizations

In the beautiful thoughts

That wander through my head

When I am alone

Than I have ever found

In my abusive home

Or the hard realities of

Living in this world.

I am my own inspiration

To persevere, to withstand

I am my own fuel, I am

My own engine

I am everything I have

Been looking for,

I will not kill myself

Mostly because I know that

My body will take me

When my time comes

Things are–

Not okay, inside me

I’ve known since I was

Thinking.

I am a bit

Morbid, I am a bit

Obsessed with death

Don’t let that confuse you–

I’m not suicidal, I’m just

A realist who’s been through

More than enough for one stay.

I want to move on, honestly

I want to stop

Pushing this boulder up this hill

So, so badly

I need to prove to myself,

However,

That all of this is

Not for nothing

I am the only reason

I need, to keep on living

I am the only proof I have

I am my own constitution

 


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