Cushing’s Catalogue/Happening To Me

I spent my

Whole Saturday night

Also my

Birthday, by the way

My birthday night

Preparing for my

Doctors appointment

I am going to

Try and talk about

A disease I

Think I’ve had since

I was a very small kid

One that has

Plagued my life.

I’ve never felt

So hopeful

My partner

Wants to help me live

She has

Vouched for me, now

She even

Convinced my mom

Tomorrow we are going to

Look through pictures

I am feeling as if

People hear me

I am feeling as if

Someone cares that I live

Besides me

I am bizarrely

Not alone, as I have been

She is even

Writing it all down

So that I can speak freely

My mom is going to

Find all of my

Broken bone X-rays , my blood tests

The weigh ins and even all

The fucking nutritionist’s notes

I am somehow

Voluntarily reliving

All of the worst memories

I’ve been

Shoving down

As far as they can go

I just don’t

Fully understand

How painful this is

Even though I’ve

Done it before

I tried, so hard

To have the doctors listen

But I was

Mostly alone

And sobbing

Now I’m

Coping with things

Moderately better

I still have

Total meltdowns

And black outs

And argue about things

That don’t matter

But at least now

I’m not shitting

All day nonstop for hours

Dehydrating and

Grinding my guts right out

Now I’ve got

Some love and support

And some photo albums

And a word document

I don’t want to

Give anything away but

Also a little

Hope in my heart

Now I think there

Might be

A reason I haven’t

Lost weight or

Become healthy

Now I think

I understand what might

Actually be

Happening to me

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