Becky Is Praying For All Of You

I hear a lot that

Some people think

Fat People eat

Privately because they

Binge or hide or

Feel shame while eating.

I do not do these things,

I never have, but again

I have Cushing’s syndrome and

My fat experience is not like most people’s.

I will admit, however

I have changed my eating habits

Around others, I just don’t

Binge eat afterwards, or ever

I do not binge and purge–

I garden and encourage.

I’m just also sick, so MYOB.

My eating habits often

Change around people

Not because of binging

Not because of shame

Not because of guilt

But rather–

Because of hate.

I eat differently or

Not at all around people because

They are so watchful

I’d have to be insane,

Brain-dead or just

Fucking complacent

Not to notice or complain

So I just

Nibble off the veggie tray

And eat my vegetable soup

At home as a pregame

And when people talk to me about food

I talk about gardening instead

It’s similar enough but also

Different so people often either

Keep pace or drop out of the race.

I hate that I am unable to

Relax with company, I hate that

I am unable to enjoy thanksgiving

I hate that the way other people

Stare at me matters at all

I wish I could just ignore

All the catcalls and the lectures

But they are constant

And have been since I was

4 years old, bloated and stretching and

Filling with cortisol.

Fuck all of you to death

Forever and ever amen

I will never trust another living soul–

And that’s for the best.

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