In Denial

I think

More than anything

The accusation that I am

Somehow

In denial

Of my body

Of my weight

Of my gender

Of my sexuality

Presides over most all of my

Encounters with other human beings

Something about being

Fat, butch, gay and angry

Makes people think

You’ve got a lot of problems

Of your own making

This perplexes me, see–

I am not

In denial

Of anything!

How could I be in denial

Of my own skin

Of my own fat, of my own

Burden?

How could I hear

The doctor’s warnings

Every three months, every year

For the last 20 odd years

And somehow be

In denial of it?

I was forced to come to terms

With my cushing’s, with my fat

As a four-year-old kid

I was forced to come to terms

With my otherness

As a pity-inducing child-like blimp

I have been forced into truths

That make most backs break,

Like mine did.

You can’t be in denial when

You are living your truth.

As a butch lesbian, I often

Faced the assumption that I was

Gay because men

“Didn’t want me”, or that

I was gay because I was raped, or that

I was gay because I have daddy issues

Or any variety of

“Dropped on your head as a kid”

Excuses that people make to help explain

God’s incredible gift of queerness.

I fail to understand

How I can be in denial of something

That never happened to me.

I suppose here we leave

The greatest fallacy;

The idea that I am a trans man

Because of penis envy. That I am

Angry and bitter and mad about something–

Undeniably, I am masculine

I am dominant and I am

Not very feminine, however

I love my body

I love my fat butch body

I love everything that it stands for

I love everything that it’s been through

I am a collection of hard-earned wisdoms

That few have the courage to listen to

I am not angry

Without purpose, I am

A tender stew, brewing deliciously

I am boiling, burbling, and oddly

Sticky. I want you to eat me, and I want to get

Into your stomach and be your nutrition

I am fueled by an anger

In denial of nothing

I am new age, I am young

I am a modern kind of rage

Balanced by both energies

Renewable, electrifying

Perhaps you are the one

Who is in denial of me

 

 

 


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