Call Me Odysseus, Please.

The thing is

I spent a lot of time

Being really really convinced

That I wasn’t trans.

The thing about being trans

Is that you are born

Into the wrong gender, so like–

It’s kind of up to you

To decide for yourself

That it is wrong.

Nobody tells you

“Whooaaaa there buddy–

You’re in the wrong gender!

How’d you end up as a lady?!

Let’s get you to the doctor ASAP!!!”

Nobody.

No matter what the haters say;

Nobody is recruiting transgender people.

Especially not me, and I am

Especially not recruiting myself.

I am not having a crisis,

I am not having a change of heart

I am not particularly susceptible to being

Recruited into a cult–

That being said–

I have been transgender

My whole life–

Cult-free.

It doesn’t make any sense to me

How I could exist as trans

And not know it the whole time, but that’s just

How it fucking works!?

You know when you know!

I didn’t know that it wasn’t

Normal to hate the way your

Hands look.

I didn’t know that it wasn’t

Normal to hate the way your

Chest feels.

I didn’t know that it wasn’t

Normal to hate the way your

Hair flows.

I didn’t know!

Honestly, I just didn’t know.

The only way I was able

To realize this

Was by starting hormone therapy.

Now, I’ve had more than

6 months of testosterone in me.

I am sick right now, and I

Put some vicks vapor rub

(Lavender scented mmmmm)

On my chest and my

Skin was so dense and so thick and so tough

And my pecs are so huge now–

Rock hard, enormous.

I can’t feel my old chest at all

I forget what it was like

It’s all there! I swear!!

It’s just completely different.

I smell completely different

I am completely different, and yet

I am exactly the same.

This body is the same body,

This mind is the same mind, my soul

Is the same soul–

But–

Something is missing…?

Something I’ve carried with me

Each day, proudly

As if it were my phone, keys or my

Wallet.

I sometimes feel like I need it

Even though it was killing me–

I don’t know how to function

Without all the

Contempt.

I had no idea

The sheer quantity of

Contempt

I had for myself, and for my own body.

I didn’t know until the t, honestly

I didn’t know

Until I looked in the mirror

And saw someone I recognized.

I didn’t know, until I

Felt my chest and had

One lone, dry tear

Swell in the corner of my eye-pussy

And die back down, settling into

The little labia near my nose–

I didn’t know how much I loved my

Forearms, and how strong and dense and

Thick they are. I didn’t know how much

I love my jaw, and how wide and huge and

Broad my face is. I have even been feeling

Grateful for the cushing’s syndrome, for making

My life and my youth

So miserable, so inhumane–

For making my body so broken

That this experience is allowed to be

Absolutely magnificent 

By comparison.

Ahhh, yes–

I didn’t know how miserable I was

Until I started being happy

I suppose that is it, on the nose.

Speaking of noses, my nose is

Wider, it looks more like it should.

I have the tiniest cutest little nose and I’m

Wishing it the best of luck

On its long voyage, it has a

Big journey ahead of itself and

I couldn’t be more excited

Perhaps my new name should be

Odysseus–

I seem to have

All the winds except for the ones that

Take me home


Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: