6 Months Of Testosterone

I’ve had

6 months of testosterone

And I don’t feel

Any different, honestly.

I feel exactly the same.

So much so it almost

Breaks my achy-breaky

I suspect that this is what

Some trans people start to get

Really depressed about, the part where

It doesn’t change who you are, or

Make you cis, it just

Helps with all of it.

Helps with all the bullshit.

I definitely can say

That it has done that–

It has helped, tremendously.

I think back to

What I was doing a year ago today

And how I was feeling

And how often I thought about

Killing myself, how many times I

Planned an escape route

I was inconsolably miserable

Now? I am not

I wouldn’t say I’m happy

But I’m definitely not as sad as I was

I am stronger, physically

I am more myself

I look more like how I see myself

In my mind’s eye, there is

Much less of a disconnect

Between how I feel and

Who I am on the outside

People are asking me

What I think of my

“New voice” and I can’t help but wonder

What the fuck? You mean the one 

I’ve always had? Singing in the back

Of my mind?

I can’t help but be

Frustrated with the process of coming out

I feel like I am being redundant and

Most everyone I’ve told agrees

I guess I was always some big ‘ol dykey tranny” or something that they

Don’t want me to hear personally

People are suddenly

Respecting me for no reason

And I tell you what

I don’t give a shit

I don’t give a shit about any of them

I don’t give a shit about anything

I don’t want to die anymore, but

I am anxious about living

I am anxious about the next chapter of this journey

I am excited, but I am worried

I am so heartbroken

About the process so far

And the people I’ve lost

I am not excited about my

New doctors and my new life and my new

Status as “other man” I suppose

I am worried that my healthcare will be

Sub-par forever now that I am trans

But at the same time I understand

That we are all here together

Equally fucked and

Equally virginal

No amount of training

Can prepare you

For an adventure as introspective

As the one where you

Change your gender

 


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